How do I change it?
How do people always succeed in making me think they are the next big thing I need in life? How do they convince me to believe that I'm anything but complete without them?
Sometimes there's people and I'm waiting on a call from them, and then it comes and I don't pick up. I just don't. But OH BOY you bet I be checking out their social feeds, and their friends and their friends friends Instagram, and I'll fantasies about them as a person even though I've only ever spoken two sentences to them, and I'll think about what could have been, what SHOULD have been, what I could have done and what I should have said. I'll make up this caricature of a person in my mind, and then when, if, ever I get to really know them, I'm disappointed with the truth. I'm disappointed with the person that I wanted to meet most in the world. Because instead of taking the time to discover them as who they are and FALLING IN LOVE with what I find underneath, I create a fantasy and fall in love with that instead. THEY, then, are only the next best thing. But not what they could have been. Not what they SHOULD have been.
I can be such a sociopathic fucking psycho, I know that all right. But how do I change it? What do I do? Who do I talk to? This is like a broken fucking record playing on repeat that I'm never able to fix. Like a puzzle with too little pieces. I KNOW what I'm doing, and I NOTICE when I do it. I can put my finger on it and explain what's going wrong. But I just can't fucking change It.